


it turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you (wishing i'd realized what i had when you were mine)

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Black Family Feels (Harry Potter), Brotherly Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Epistolary, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Insecure Sirius Black, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Sirius Black, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Dies, Regulus Black-centric, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Sort Of, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, Young Regulus Black, wolfstar if you squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26565682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Oneshots of a series of letters Harry Potter characters never sent. Feel free to leave suggestions for what letters you want to see next. Tags will be updated each chapter.[Title from Back to December by Taylor Swift]
Relationships: Regulus Black & Andromeda Black Tonks, Regulus Black & Bellatrix Black Lestrange, Regulus Black & James Potter, Regulus Black & Narcissa Black Malfoy, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (if you squint)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	1. Regulus Arcturus Black

**Author's Note:**

> Headcannon: Regulus died on September 1st. I don't why, but it makes sense in my head.
> 
> Also tw: suicide and (non-graphic) mentions of suicidal thoughts

**i.**

**_September 1st, 1979_ **

_Dear Sirius,_

_Last year, I was waiting at Platform 9 3/4 for the Hogwarts Express. I was still a child, a foolish child who believed in freedom, hope, and most regrettably, Lord Voldemort. This year, I prepare myself for death and I find myself thinking of you. We were once brothers, friends even, how long ago that seems now, a lifetime almost. Now, you are but a distant memory, I don't even know you anymore._

_Do you still smoke? Listen to that muggle rubbish? Or was that just to piss the family off? Do you even still care about pissing us off anymore?_

_Or have you forgotten us already? Perhaps, you don't even remember life before Potter and his cocky smirk. I really wish I could say the same. I wish I could forget you and Mother and Father and Cissa and Andromeda and Bella. Oh Merlin, how I wish I could forget Bella. I wish I could wake up and find this was all some sick, disturbed nightmare. I wish I was a muggle and my only care in the world was... I don't know, pizza or something? That's a muggle thing, isn't it?_

_I dream of you now more than ever. Of you at 16, leaving us behind, except this time you say, "What do you say, Reg? Wanna come with?"_

_I hate that you didn't. I hate that you didn't even think twice about what life would be like for me once you left, that you didn't think about how much harder Mother hits now that you've gone and that you just think of me as another 'slimy, Slytherin git'. And what I hate most of all, is that I don't hate you for it, I can't. Because I love you so much it hurts and some mornings I wake up hoping to see you downstairs, some nights I look out onto the roof and expect to see you there, smoking your cigarette._

_This house, it feels so empty without you. Everywhere I look, the ghost of you and your loudness lingers. I used to hate how loud you were, now as the silence threatens to swallow me whole, I long for it._ _I feel like I'm losing my mind._

_Not that you'd care._

_If I sent this to you, told you about my plans to defect, I bet you'd call me a coward and laugh in my face. I can't face that, in this lonely house, those sweet, rose-coloured memories of you are all I have left, I can't taint them too._

_It's times like now, I really wish I still had a big brother._

_R.A.B_

**ii.**

_**September 1st, 1979** _

_Dear Narcissa,_

_I hear you are pregnant. I'm sorry I've been distant lately, I know you've been worried. But, I know that if I were to say goodbye in person, I wouldn't be able to go through with my death. You're like the older sister I never had, always so wise and kind to me. You will make a wonderful mother, I hope you know that, I hope you're not scared to become your mother (or Merlin forbid, mine) because I know you won't._

_I wish I could meet your child. It's one of the many regrets I have, as I prepare to walk head on into my own death._

_You've always assured me that I'm not selfish, tonight as I think about your face when you inevitably hear the news, I disagree. If you were to hear my thoughts, you'd probably chide me for my self-deprication, actually you'd probably disapprove of this whole plan._

_If I were to ask you about this predicament, you'd probably think of some smart, perfect option where I can live and get the Locket. Unfortunately, I must confess one of the few things I've never told you... I don't want that perfect option, I don't want to live. I want to die painfully, as penance for all the things I've done. Because I've never been half as strong or cunning or brilliant as you, able to stay in one piece even after a disowned sibling or to stay perfectly neutral._

_I'm foolish and wrong and weak, all the things you could never be._

_If there were some way to change the past, I'd listen to you instead of Bella. From the start, you told me not to take the Dark Mark, to stay neutral and wait out the War. Oh, how I wish I'd listened! Back then, me and my stupid pride thought you were a coward. Turns out I was the coward, doing the most horrible and idiotic things just to get Mother to give me a second glance. I wish I had a mother that was even a quarter of the woman you are._

_Maybe then, it wouldn't have come to this._

_As I write this, I already miss you, I can't imagine what this will do to you. I'm so sorry, Cissa, for being so selfish. For putting my need to escape, before the family. I want more than anything to apparate to Malfoy Manor and hug you tight, let you convince me to find another way._

_But I can't._

_Well, on the bright side, at least there's on less name on the list of possible Godfathers. Honestly, I don't even know why you even considered me, I'm a trainwreck. Just don't choose Avery or any of the Death Eaters. Your child deserves a better life than mine, than ours..._

_Forever Sorry,_

_R.A.B_

**iii.**

_**September 1st, 1979** _

_Dear Bella,_

_I don't even know why I'm bothering to pen this letter to you, you're too far gone. If you knew what I was thinking, you'd probably skin me alive and Crucio me into insanity. But still, I find myself missing you._

_I miss when you used to play fight with Sirius, using 'Stupify' rather than the Unforgivables. I miss when you argued with McGonagall for giving me an 'EE' instead of an 'O'. You didn't win of course, and that's the part that you always focused on, but I didn't care, I was just happy you cared about me enough to try. I miss when you used to hug so fiercely and tight, it would hurt, but in a good way._

_Not like the way you hurt me now._

_You say it's just part of training, but I can see the sick glee in your eyes when you Crucio me. Sometimes, when I see you from a distance, I think you're mother. Don't you remember when you used to scream at Mother for all the things she used to do to me?_

_Why aren't you screaming at yourself, you fucking hypocrite?_

_Why don't care you how badly you hurt me or how much I want it to stop anymore? Why do you laugh when I beg you for mercy? Why do you act like I'm just a big joke? Don't you care about me anymore? Have you really lost your mind or worse, are you just cruel?_

_When they bury me, I wouldn't be surprised if you danced on my grave, or pissed on it perhaps._

_Somehow, I can't bring myself to hate you. No matter the names you call me or the muggles you torture or just all your fucking insane behaviour, I still love you and I hate it. Even loving Sirius hurts less than this. I'm starting to think you've cursed me or something._

_R.A.B_

**iv.**

_**September 1st, 1979** _

_Dear Andromeda,_

_It hurts to say, but I don't remember much about you. All my memories of you are fuzzy and tainted with our family's words. The clearest memory I have was when I was 12 and you were burned off the family tree. I remember that you held your head up high, a true Black even then. I remember feeling confused, I assumed back then once a Black was disowned, they just became a spineless servant or something. The moment your branch was burned, I had assumed you'd fall to your knees._

_I watched in amazement, even under my Mother's Crucio and without the Black name, how you stayed strong._

_I didn't see you after that, but I thought of you sometimes. In the middle of the night, when the most absurd things seem in reach for a moment, I used to think of running to you. What would you have done if I had?_

_Probably just throw me back onto the streets and laugh in my face. It'd be what I deserve._

_R.A.B_

**v.**

_**September 1st, 1979** _

_Dear Potter,_

_What is it about you that my brother loves about you so much? What's so amazing about you that Sirius would rather call you a brother than me? All I've seen of you is cocky, arrogant, idiotic git. What is it I'm missing? What is it about you that makes even Dumbledore adore you?_

_It's not your hair, I tried that bloody Sleekeazy's Hair Potion. Sirius just said it made my hair look greasy. The whole reason I joined the Slytherin Quidditch team was to be like you. What an idiot I am! Trying to be someone I barely know, let alone like, just for some stupid pipedream. Just for the hope that one day, Sirius could talk about me like he talks about you, that I can make Sirius grin like you do._

_I wonder what you think about me, I wonder what Sirius says about me._

_I bet he says all the things my friends say about you, about me. I bet you laugh and agree, from the way you used to glare at me. If you ever think of me, I bet all you think of me as is another Death Eater stereotype, just a stupid goon with no thoughts of my own. Maybe you're right, in a way. I've watched horrific things, done horrific dreams, just for an evil beast._

_You don't even know how lucky you are do you? To have a loving family, friends, a wife and on top of it all, no nightmares about things you've done keeping you up at night._

_I fucking hate you. I hate that you stole my brother from me. Don't you know he was mine first? Don't you know that it was me who used to clean him up after Mother was done with him? I don't remember you there, yet somehow you get all the credit._

_'Oh, James is soooo great! He saved me!' I bet that's what Sirius tells people.Total bullshit._

_R.A.B_


	2. Regulus Arcturus Black pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius finds the letters Regulus left behind.

Sirius steeled himself as he stared into Regulus' room. At the sight of the dark green walls, Slytherin sheets and posters of Voldemort, he nearly bolted. _Pull yourself together, you've faced worse than a bloody room. Do it for Harry._ Anxiously, he stept inside, immediately feeling as if he'd stepped back in time to the 1970s. Those cold, oppressive times before James and the Potters... _Pull yourself together!_

Taking a calming deep breath, Sirius searched through his little brother's things, trying to squash his traitorous nostalgia.

But it was hard when Sirius would notice the first snitch Regulus ever caught or a moving picture Regulus had cut him out of or Regulus' Slytherin Prefect badge still proudly displayed in a special glass case. The worst, was when Sirius opened the loose floorboard, to find a stack of letters ( _Narcissa, Bella, Andromeda, Potter, **Sirus**_ ) and... The missing parts of the cut pictures, the pieces with Sirius in them...

Without his consent, Sirius felt his eyes well up with tears and a miserable wail escaped his throat.

\---

The letters were now stuffed in a locked drawer in Buckbeak's room. 

As much as he tried not to, every time Sirius fed Buckbeak he couldn't help but stare longingly at the drawer. Wondering what Regulus could have written... He despised how even now with Regulus dead and gone, how much power he held over Sirius. How much he still loved his little worm of a brother.

Despite the fact Regulus was a Death Eater, that he hated Sirius, that he probably laughed as he tortured and killed people. 

\---

"What did they say?" Remus asked one night. "What are you on about?" Snickered Sirius as he took a dignified sip of his wine. "The letters from Regulus." Replied Remus, softly. He froze and Sirius knew if not for his Pureblood Black training, he probably would've spat his wine out in shock. Sirius contemplated spraying his wine all over Remus out of spite, anyway. Git deserved it, asking such a question while Sirius had been drinking.

Instead, Sirius sat up from the sofa, walking over to the window to distance himself from Remus and clear his head.

"That bad?" Remus asked, concerned. "Don't know." Muttered Sirius, massaging his temples and suddenly regretting the two glasses of wine he'd just had. "You didn't read them?" The werewolf frowned, sounding surprised.

Irrational anger flooded Sirius. It was being back in this house, cooped up like an animal, his Death Eater brother taking up his mind even in death and now these damned questions. "Why should I? I know what they'll say! _Oh, Sirius, what a disappointment you are. I'm so glad you've gone, my life's soooo much better without you!_ " Yelled Sirius, using a mocking high-pitched tone to imitate Regulus. He had hoped for Remus to shrink away at his words and run off.

Unfortunately, Remus saw right through him. They'd known each other too long.

"He might surprise you." He whispered, sympathetically with those sweet, soft, understanding eyes that Sirius could never stay mad at. Not that he was really mad at Remus in the first place. "Regulus never surprised anyone in his life." Sirius sighed, deflated. 

Remus smiled sadly. "I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I've never thought of you like that. As a disappointment, that is." 

Not even Sirius' stupid Pureblood Black training could keep the tears from rolling down his face. "Come here." Cooed Remus, opening his arms. Sirius collapsed into them sobbing, wishing desperately that life could be different, that his brother had loved him and that his other two friends weren't dead or a traitor. Even though Sirius was covered in snot and tears, probably ruining Remus' brown blazer, Remus didn't seem disgusted, simply rubbing his back soothingly.

\---

_"I hate you, brother. Always have, always will."_

Sirius woke up suddenly, immediately angry. He didn't remember much of his dream, but he knew it was about Regulus, the arsehole still bothering him. Fuelled by an almost animalistic anger, Sirius jumped out of bed and stromed over to Buckbeak's room. He unlocked and practically threw open the drawer, grabbing the letters.

He ran down the stairs, two at a time, then threw open the back door so roughly it smacked against the wall.

Sirius threw the letters down onto the muddy ground. "Fuck you! Fuck you for thinking you can fucking control me!" He yelled angrily, jumping on top of the letters, cementing them even further into the oozing mud. "Incendio!" Sirius screamed, wordlessly, watching with satisfaction as the flames ate away at the muddy letters.

_This is good, this is good! You did the right thing. That git wasn't worth your time._

\---

_Sirius felt desperate and panicked. He opened the drawer, almost crying in relief to find the letters still there._

_He needed to read them, he needed to know. Frantically, he grabbed them, carelessly throwing aside the letters addressed to Narcissa, Andromeda, Bella and James. He grinned in satisfaction, staring at his name in his brother's neat cursive: Sirius. Finally, finally, finally!_

_Sirius tore the envolope open roughly._

_He tried to read, but the page was charred. The paper crumbled in his hands. "No, no! What have I done?! Shit!" Sirius yelled. Desperate, Sirius reached down, grabbing at the black burnt flakes of paper. Trying his best to somehow put them back together. "Reparo!" He cried. Nothing happened._

Sirius woke up crying and confused.


End file.
